Thursday, October 10, 2013

The dragon within

I was able to talk to my boss about some problems that I have been having with another boss.  He talked to my other boss and worked things out.  Overall my second boss is being a lot kinder to me and I think the overall process worked well.  However, the problem is that I am still really struggling at work.  I thought maybe it was this guy that was making my life miserable, but now I am wondering if it is something within myself that is making work so hard.  I wonder if the dragon I was looking to confront is the one within myself.

I know I have been dealing with depression lately and it has not been going to well.  I have just been very anxious and scared.  When I am by myself at night I feel afraid and nervous.  Even when work is over I carry this heavy load on my shoulder when I should be relaxing and enjoying some free time that I have.  I watch the clock tick at home as I wait for my husband to come home. 

I wish I knew what was going on inside.  I wish I knew why I was feeling this way and how to overcome it.  My husband says I need to start thinking positive and not being so negative.  I just don't know how to stop the negative feelings for poring out of my mind.  I need to face my inner dragon but I do not know how. 

Monday, October 7, 2013

Confronting the dragon

As you may know I have talked a lot lately about my work and how it has been really hard.  As I was
reflecting what I liked and what I did not like about work, I realized that most of my fears, anxiety, and frustration with work comes from dealing with one individual "the dragon".  Three things you should know about me first.  1)  I am very sensitive to criticism.  2) I excel when I get positive encouragement, 3) I try to avoid confrontation at all costs.  These being said the dragon seems to only have negative words to say and has been very condescending towards me.  The problem is that I work for him most of the time and I have to talk to him about my research.  The other day after he gave some feedback about a paper he asked me if that paper was the best I could do.  I told him yes but inside it hurt so much.  What do you mean the best I can do is what I wish I said to him instead I just said yes and felt like a peace of poop.

I need to talk to my boss about how miserable this guy has made may and that things need to change.  I need to go in there and ask my boss if I could speak with him.  Then I will let him know exactly what is going on and see what he says.  To some this may not seem like a big deal, but to me it is horrifying.  Confrontation is so hard for me just thinking about it makes me sick to my stomach.  I have said so many prayers asking God to give me the courage to speak.  I can keep praying and hope that everything will go okay.  My goal is to speak with my manager tomorrow.  I will let you know what happens, but if you can will you say a prayer for me.  Thank you.


Monday, September 30, 2013

The adventure of getting ready to move

We have decided that unless things get really better we will be moving.  However, moving is not as
easy as it use to be.  We now have a house, a job, student loans, car payments, friends, very good friends, and people we will miss.  I am part of the big brother program and I realized that I would have to say good bye to my little brother.  That will be a sad day.  Our goal is to move in 9 months which is around sometime in July.  That was also the time when we wanted to have our Canadian wedding, though I do not think we can do both.  To move I will need to find a job teaching some where, get the house ready to sale, get rid of a lot of junk, sale the house, and move.  I am tired just thinking of it, but having a plan and a goal gives me more hope then I use to have.  Hope of being in a job where I feel complete.  Hope of being able to start a family.  Hope of a better life.  Moving is scary, but if I put my trust in God everything will work out somehow.